Harsh
by defying stars
Summary: Remus learns that the world is a harsh place through experience. First fanfiction!


_Disclaimer: Most definitely not mine!_

_A/N A 1000 word drabble/one-shot on the life of Remus Lupin. 1st fic! Enjoy!_

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><p>It doesn't take Remus very long to realise that the world is a harsh place.<p>

He learns it, first, when he is six years old. It is the most obvious moment in his life for reflection, and it makes him hate it even more. _Werewolfwerewolfwerewolf... _It's not even the vibrant pain of the werewolf mark or the transformations or the sad look of his mother or the angry, pitiful look of his father that makes him realise. It is when his mother tells him, quietly, "_Remus, let's not go to school day, okay? What do you think about that_?" Remus screams.

The second time, he's only ten, and his father is shouting and his mother is screaming, and there's a bill on the table and an owl on the windowsill and he knows that yet another research clinic has turned him and their money down. Their research is going nowhere and all Remus knows is _pain _from every angle. "_I don't understand, John!" _And Remus is inclined to agree.

The third time is when he is eleven years old, at home, as usual; his mother tutors him. She avoids the question, _why? _He doesn't expect the letter to come, and for a moment, he's a normal boy, and "_Hogwarts, Mum, Hogwarts!" _Then there's a postscript at the end, written in loopy handwriting. _"Please see the Deputy Head, Professor McGonagall, after the Welcome Feast for details about your monthly transformations. Sincerely, Professor Dumbledore." _And he isn't very normal at all.

The fourth time, he is still eleven, his battered case packed and hanging at his side. He feels very small.

There's another boy in the compartment, with white-blonde hair and a rat-like face. He says, "_What? Can you not afford a new trunk?"_ He doesn't mean to be mean, Remus reckons, but it still hurts.

The fifth time, he's a second year, watching his friends sitting on their beds. Sirius is holding a silver spoon and saying, simply, "_Prove it." _But how can he? They have _their _proof, _their _evidence, and anything Remus says is a lie. And he's trapped by the people he calls his friends; as trapped as he is by the moon.

The sixth time, he's fourteen and James Potter, his best mate James with all his wild impulsiveness and foolhardy attitude, is slapped by Lily Evans, a girl in their year with her temperate approach and no-exceptions demeanour. James' face is heartbroken, terrified even, and Remus wonders why matters of the heart are so harsh.

The seventh time, the realization comes with a knock at the door.

It's James, and Peter, but no Sirius, and it's "_Where's Sirius? Sirius! Sirius! Who did I hurt, James? Peter, what did I do? Sirius!" _They have to tell him, quietly even though Remus swears that they're shouting, that Sirius betrayed him and he can barely see his flesh for bandages because goddamn Snape _knows. _They have to tell him of the implications, the possible threats, and they're trying to sound supportive, but all Remus can hear is _silver bullets and silver whips and silver chains _and his father's voice, tired and cold, saying _"This, Remus, is why you can trust no one."_

The eighth time, he's sixteen, and, through all his Gryffindor courage, Remus is petrified for his friends. He tried to convince them, he really did; the dangers were too great, the consequences too costly, the chances too risky. But they didn't listen - they never do. When Peter blacks out, Sirius screams and James writhes in agony, he feels, not for the first time, as if his heart is ripping itself out just to lie, bleeding and shivering on the floor.

The ninth time, he appears in the Potter's fireplace, tattered pyjamas wrapped around his shivering frame, just screaming _"Let me see him!" _They do, in the end, but it feels like years in Remus' heart.

The tenth time, they're seventeen and leaving, and James Potter, his best mate James who finally learns to grow up, is kissed by Lily Evans, _the _girl in their year who finally learns to live. Remus is happy for them - really, he is - but he feels a little conflicted. Snape is watching. Remus calls out to him, maybe to apologise, but he turns away. Remus doesn't see him again.

The eleventh time, he tries not to feel a little sad when the wedding photographer calls out "_Bride, bridegroom and best man!" _Remus does not walk over; because Sirius has always been the best friend, the brother, and now the best man, and while Remus doesn't mind, he'd like some recognition, now and again. _Can the second best man come up too? _Just once, on his best friend's wedding day.

The twelfth time is when Peter says to him, "_Moony... where's Padfoot?" _And for once in his relatively short life, Remus doesn't know. He has a feeling that that's the point.

The thirteenth time is when Remus sees a black shadow of a motorbike outside of his rundown flat - rented to him by Prongs and all his people-saving propagandas. He runs down to the Muggle street, still dressed in his day to day tattered wizard robes, thinking, _"Is that you, Sirius? Sirius! Sirius!" _The leather-clad man on the motorbike speeds away frantically, and Remus can't help but wonder if that is his friend finally turning away. He calls out, again, and again, even when the roar of the motorbike is out of earshot. He's alone.


End file.
